November 21, 2016 I went to the doctor. I was get so unbelievably irritable for the smallest things, my anxiety was through the roof, and my sleeping was all jacked up.
November 21, 2016 I was diagnosed with depression with anxiety.
I started medication for it. Obviously, we started with a small dose. What people don’t tell you about these kinds of medications is that it can take about 6 weeks to even start noticing anything. So, to begin with, I felt like it was a waste. Once it kicked it, which it finally did, I was really actually feeling happy. It was nice, but I did have some negative side effects too. So, my doctor switched my medications around mid-January 2017.
Transitioning between the two was not good at all. I had MAJOR mood swings, and I mean rage, to curled in a ball crying, to gleeful in a matter of seconds.
The second medication seemed to do okay. I was happy and no noticeable side effects.
But you see, I really hate pills. I suck at remembering anything on a daily basis. Plus, unlike every other human in the world, I can’t just take my pills with a drink. I have to place it on the back of my tongue and sort of push it down. It isn’t pleasant and it makes taking a medication not that easy. I was good with taking my medications for a while. I was going to counseling and realizing I had more issues than I really ever wanted to admit
Mid 2017, I started missing days. I never really noticed anything. I would miss one here, two there, but I didn’t get any of the effects that people said I would if I missed or even any of the effects I had when I simply switched medications.
Fall break is when I changed, my counselor, who was through a college practicum clinic, obviously was going to be out. Two weeks, no counseling. I felt abandoned by the person who was helping me once again [a little bit of back-story, I had been to counseling before in 2015 and after a month my counselor told me she was leaving]. Our last session before the break, we got to some stuff I really wasn’t ready to deal with. We parted ways.
I never went back. I completely stopped taking my medications. It’s been probably six months now. I’m nothing compared to before meds or counseling, but I’m not as happy as I was with them either. I’m existing. I have good days, weeks, followed by bad days, and even weeks.
Sadness, hopelessness, and intrusive thoughts are what I’m use to, though, so this is my normal.